NOTES - Feelings

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How often does one, either sensei or deshi, talk about emotions, feelings and moods in regard to how they apply their skills in self-protection for self-defense? Not many and it may be because that is socially and personally the realm of those who provide help such as psychologists, etc.

To really understand ourselves and those who may want to do us physical violent harm we really have to understand these emotions, feelings and moods but with strong attachment to their cultures and beliefs because when it comes to status and respect those things matter - a lot. 

So, the following are notes and comments from a source I used to try and understand emotions, feelings and moods so that I can see them and understand them in myself, i.e., such as when someone says something that pisses me off, so that I may also see them in others especially others who want to cause me harm. 

If you truly want to self-protect in self-defense then your emotions felt in your self must be recognized for what they are and that they trigger the worst of our monkey-minds so that we may better avoid situations and people that would result in conflicts, of the bad kind, and resulting violences, of the bad kind, that would allow us to say and do the things necessary to achieve: avoidance, escape-n-evasion, deescalation. Let the healing begin: 

When they talk about allowing oneself to have feelings, they are not talking about showing them, let alone doing anything about them. They are referring to the internal, private experience of feeling something. As if you were in a public place, feeling something. 

Remember, there is a lot of room for feeling on the inside, without doing anything about it on the outside. Any and every emotion can be safely felt, without you or anyone else being harmed in the process. 

It must be noted that experience, in moderation, positive feelings and emotions publicly often can be a good thing because as research has shown feelings and emotions are contagious. It is the negative side that must be guarded from outward expression because those tend to spread faster and with more detrimental effects like in group dynamics where bad vibes can infect others and they can do bad things even those who are good people at their core. 

Both acting out and managing feelings produce the same outcomes: anxiety, alienation, emptiness, and depression. If you are NOT familiar with your emotions, you are likely to end up 'thinking' instead of 'feeling', using your head instead of your heart. 

Using "I feel" 

Just because you use the words at the beginning of a sentence does not mean you are describing an actual feeling. "Anything you describe using the words 'I feel (that),' followed by a complete sentence, is NOT a feeling." (Note: often it is thought by those who are experts that to use the phrase “I feel” provides a sense that one is actually, tactilely feeling, something viscerally. As if they are touching something while giving a sense of actual emotional feelings, i.e., as if supporting that feeling, etc.)

"I feel that you are being unfair." is NOT a feeling. "You are being unfair" is a complete sentence that represents a THOUGHT, not a FEELING. Statements that start with "I feel like" often describe thoughts rather than feelings. (Note: they are also about tactile sensory feelings) 

Use the substitute test: If you can change the words "I feel" into a statement to "I Think" without changing any other words, and still be left with a meaningful sentence, you have described a though and NOT a feeling. 

EMOTIONS are not usually identified by complete sentences. They are generally described in a short word or phrase. If you say, "I feel scared." and substitute "I think scared" then you were expressing a feeling. The substitution does not work because I think scared is not a good sentence; you can not think a feeling any more than you can feel a thought. 

Feelings vs. Behavior (actions): With feelings, we do NOT have to act on them in order to experience them. Being angry is NOT the same as shouting, cursing, or getting physical. Shouting, cursing, and getting physical are actions as opposed to feelings. It is perfectly possible to be extremely angry and yet not break anything, hurt anyone, or turn Facebook into a weapon. 

Millions of folks experience emotions every day without taking action; emotions do NOT inevitably lead to action. Most of us DID NOT learn as children how to deal constructively with difficult emotions, we worry that just allowing ourselves to experience a feeling means we will - or should - act it out, with negative consequences. This is often reinforced by social media. We hear regularly about people action on feelings of rage, hatred, fear, or despair to end up in prison or dead. 

NO WONDER WE ARE SCARED OF OUR EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS!

We are social beings, we do need to be able to manage our behavior, not necessarily feelings. We ARE capable of acting differently from how we feel, we DO NOT need to try to keep a stranglehold on "negative" emotions. We don't need to suppress, discard or hide our feelings from ourselves. Don't be your own oppressor, let yourself - and your feelings - be. 

DO NOT CONFUSE strong emotions with being out of control. Be more accepting of your feelings and you will feel more in control of yourself, not less. It is counterintuitive, but it is true!

FEELINGS ARE NOT VALUES. If you feel indignant about something, it is not because you are an indignant person. You are just indignant about this particular thing. ACCEPT IT. Do not make a big moral dilemma out of having an unpleasant feeling. 

Relax, let yourself off the hood if you feel annoyed, irritated, resentful, envious, angry, etc. etc. etc. You are NOT a bad person just because you have the kinds of emotions that usually underlie bad behavior. Everyone is subject to the same emotions - good, bad, and in between. It has NOTHING to do with our MORAL character. 

Judge yourself by your actions, by all means, because they can be good or bad, moral or immoral. Actions almost always involve making choices. Feelings NEVER DO!

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