by CEJames (researcher/author) & Akira Ichinose (editor/research assistant)
REMINDER:
Don't look to others for the "how-to," look to others for advice, guidance and wisdom (when necessary) THEN, make YOUR decision and... ACT! You are the only one responsible for what you do and why... so,OWN IT! 💸
Sharp words fill the room
A quiet step toward the door
Leaves the storm behind
Eyes rise from the screen
Footsteps cross the empty lot
Light reveals the path
Understanding risk without assigning blame
Some behaviors can make a violent encounter more likely by intensifying a dispute, reducing awareness, or increasing contact with someone who has already shown dangerous conduct.
Understanding those behaviors gives you more choices. It does not mean you can control every encounter, and it does not mean that someone who is attacked must have done something wrong.
The person who threatens, assaults, stalks, or abuses another person is responsible for that conduct. A victim may have been courteous, sober, alert, and careful. Violence can still occur. The useful question is, “What choices might improve my safety here?” rather than, “What did the victim do to deserve this?”
Nobody deserves violence.
This article discusses everyday disputes, criminal encounters, and violence within ongoing relationships. It offers practical judgment and illustrative examples, not a formula that predicts who will attack.
The CDC describes violence as shaped by factors at individual, relationship, community, and societal levels.
Personal behavior is only one part of that larger picture. [1]
How behavior changes exposure
Think of exposure in three practical ways.
- You may prolong contact with a person who is becoming aggressive.
- You may make an interaction harder to resolve by threatening or humiliating someone. Or
- you may reduce your ability to notice trouble and move away.
These are ways to organize your decisions, not a validated scoring system.
Context matters. A sharp remark between familiar friends is different from the same remark directed at an intoxicated stranger who is blocking your path. A single cue rarely tells the whole story. Ask what the person is actually doing, whether the behavior is changing, and what options you have.
Also distinguish conflict from deliberate victimization.
- Some violence grows out of an argument;
- some is initiated to steal, control, intimidate, or exploit.
Being agreeable may help with certain disputes. It cannot reliably stop a person who has decided to harm you.
Insults and public humiliation
Name calling, ridicule, slurs, mocking someone’s appearance, and trying to embarrass a person in front of an audience can turn a manageable disagreement into a struggle over status.
You may intend to expose bad behavior, but the other person may focus entirely on being humiliated.
That possibility is a reason to choose your method carefully, not an excuse for retaliation.
Imagine a shopper cutting ahead in a line. “The line starts back there” addresses the problem. “Are you stupid, or just an entitled idiot?” adds an attack on the person. If the shopper becomes aggressive, ask staff to handle the dispute and create distance instead of delivering a sharper insult.
Sarcasm is especially unreliable with strangers.
- Tone,
- hearing difficulties,
- language differences, or
- intoxication can change how a remark is received.
You do not have to pretend misconduct is acceptable. You can state the issue plainly without turning correction into a contest.
Threats and challenges to fight
Statements such as “Come outside,” “You will regret this,” or “I dare you to touch me” introduce violence into the conversation. Boasting about fighting experience or threatening to retrieve a weapon can increase the stakes even if you intended only to frighten the other person.
A challenge can also trap you in your own words. Once you announce that you will not back down, leaving may feel embarrassing. Decide in advance that an insult does not require a physical answer. “I am leaving” is a complete decision; you do not need the other person’s agreement.
A firm boundary is different from a threat. “Do not touch me” identifies unacceptable conduct. “Touch me and I will destroy you” adds a promise of retaliation. When danger is immediate, prioritize getting away and obtaining help over finding the perfect wording.
Crowding touching and blocking movement
Moving into someone’s face, pointing inches from their eyes, grabbing clothing, pushing, or blocking a doorway can make an encounter feel physically threatening.
Unwanted touching may already be violence. Even when you think you are emphasizing a point, the other person may interpret your movement as the beginning of an attack.
- Do not follow someone from room to room to force an answer.
- Do not stand between a person and an exit to make them listen.
- In a parking dispute, approaching the other driver’s window and striking the glass creates a much more dangerous encounter than speaking to the property manager.
Practical de-escalation generally favors calm communication, personal space, and disengagement when necessary. CISA’s guidance also emphasizes assessing whether de-escalation is safe and reporting concerning situations. These approaches may reduce escalation, but they cannot guarantee cooperation. [2]
Remaining after the situation has changed
One avoidable pattern is staying because you feel you have not yet made your point. You notice threats, repeated advances, an obstructed exit, or a group gathering around the dispute, yet keep arguing about the original issue. The subject may still be a parking space, but your immediate problem has become safety.
Watch for concrete developments:
- a person follows after you disengage,
- threatens an assault,
- reaches for or displays a weapon,
- damages property, or
- refuses to let you leave.
These deserve more attention than a personality label. Raised voices or clenched fists alone are not reliable proof that an attack will occur.
If there is a weapon, an assault, or an immediate credible threat, move toward safety and contact emergency services when you can. Do not remain to test whether the threat is sincere. In the United States, call 911 for immediate danger.
Alcohol, drugs and impaired judgment
Impairment can make it harder to recognize a deteriorating situation, communicate clearly, or arrange a safe departure. It can also make another person’s reactions less predictable. Heavy alcohol use is among the factors the CDC identifies in its discussion of intimate partner violence risk; a risk factor is not a cause in every case or a prediction about a particular individual. [3]
A practical precaution is
- to plan transportation before drinking,
- remain connected with trusted companions, and
- leave when a gathering becomes confrontational.
Avoid appointing yourself the person who will physically restrain an aggressive stranger. You do not know that person’s capabilities, companions, or access to weapons.
If someone attacks an impaired person, responsibility still belongs to the attacker. Being intoxicated does not create consent to sexual contact or permission for abuse. Safety advice should help people preserve options, not become a reason to dismiss victims.
Distraction and reduced awareness
A phone, headphones, or an absorbing task may draw attention away from an approaching person, an argument nearby, or a blocked route. The concern is not that using technology invites violence. The practical issue is whether you can notice changes soon enough to respond.
For example, before entering a parking area, pause your reading long enough to see the route to your vehicle. If someone persistently follows you, move toward people or a staffed location and seek help. Avoid getting absorbed in recording the encounter while losing track of your surroundings.
For someone with substantial hearing loss, useful adaptations include keeping sightlines open, facing a speaker when it is safe, and choosing well-lit places for unfamiliar interactions. A short explanation such as “I am hard of hearing; please face me” may reduce misunderstanding. If a person is threatening, creating distance takes priority over repairing the conversation. Hearing loss itself is never blameworthy behavior.
Road rage and retaliation
Tailgating, brake checking, chasing another driver, hostile gestures, and getting out of your vehicle to argue can turn a traffic frustration into a personal confrontation.
A vehicle also introduces the possibility of severe injury even before anyone uses another weapon.
NHTSA advises giving aggressive drivers
- space, allowing them to pass when safe, and
- contacting the police if you believe someone is following or harassing you. [4]
An illustrative response to being cut off is to restore a safe following distance and let the vehicle go. Following it to “teach the driver a lesson” extends your exposure.
If you believe you are being followed, seek emergency guidance when safe rather than leading the person home. Keep your attention on driving; a passenger can make the call if one is available. Do not stop in an isolated place to settle the dispute.
Risky associations and unnecessary involvement
Repeatedly spending time with people who threaten others, carry out assaults, or pressure you into retaliation can expose you to their conflicts. Offering your vehicle for a confrontation, storing stolen property, or accompanying friends who intend to intimidate someone can involve you far beyond your original intention.
Judge associations by observable conduct, not clothing, ethnicity, neighborhood, or social status. A familiar and respectable person can be dangerous. An unfamiliar person can be harmless.
The important question is whether the person respects limits and avoids coercion.
Helping another person does not require rushing into a fight.
If you witness an assault, contact emergency services, alert staff or security, and help others move away if you can do so safely.
Trying to separate armed or violently struggling people may create another injured person. Useful assistance includes obtaining trained help.
Oversharing and responding to harassment
Publicly revealing your home address, live location, travel schedule, or plans to meet alone can give an already threatening person more opportunities to reach you. This is a practical exposure concern, not evidence that ordinary sharing causes violence. Match what you share to who can see it and whether anyone has shown a concerning interest.
An online argument can become more serious when it includes specific threats, attempts to locate you, or repeated unwanted contact across accounts. Do not arrange an in-person meeting to prove that you are unafraid. Preserve relevant messages when safe and use appropriate reporting channels.
Recording or exposing someone publicly also requires judgment. Evidence may be useful, but moving closer to obtain dramatic footage can increase your immediate risk. Your ability to reach safety matters more than collecting a perfect recording.
Coercive relationships require a different approach
When someone repeatedly threatens, isolates, stalks, or controls a partner, the issue goes beyond poor manners or an argument that both people need to handle better. The CDC includes physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression within its description of intimate partner violence. [5]
A person experiencing abuse may stay because of fear, finances, disability, dependence, or concern for others. Calling that decision “reckless behavior” misses the constraints involved. An abusive person may also react dangerously to a loss of control, so generic advice to confront them or simply announce a departure is inadequate.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers personalized safety planning for people experiencing abuse, preparing to leave, or living after separation. In the United States, call 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 when it is safe to seek support. Its website also offers chat. If communications may be monitored, consider using a safer device. [6]
Overconfidence, fear and the need to win
Martial arts experience, military service, physical strength, or possession of protective equipment can support confidence. Trouble begins when confidence becomes an assumption that every encounter is controllable. Uncertainty about weapons, additional attackers, footing, or medical vulnerability remains.
For a civilian self-defense practitioner, a useful training goal is making a safe exit under pressure.
Rehearse noticing escalation, using a brief boundary, and moving toward help. Being capable of fighting does not require accepting a stranger’s invitation to fight.
Fear can produce its own difficulties. A person who interprets every glance as hostile may confront someone unnecessarily. A person who freezes or appeases during an attack, however, is experiencing a stress response, not choosing to deserve harm. Practical preparation should expand options without shaming involuntary reactions.
Avoid scanning everyone for an imagined criminal personality. Notice behavior in context and keep enough attention available for ordinary life. You should be able to enjoy a meal or a walk without treating every person as a probable attacker.
A brief personal decision check
When an encounter becomes tense, ask yourself:
- Am I making a necessary point, or trying to win?
- Am I adding insults, threats, or physical pressure?
- Has the person begun following, obstructing, or threatening me?
- Can I move toward a safer place or involve someone equipped to help?
Use short statements where appropriate: “There has been a misunderstanding.” “I am not going to argue.” “Please give me space.” “Let us ask the manager.” These are examples, not magic phrases. Say what fits, watch what happens, and change your plan if communication is failing.
Later, review the encounter without self-punishment. Identify any choices you would change and any conduct by the other person that needs reporting. A useful review ends with a concrete adjustment, such as asking staff for help earlier, rather than a blanket conclusion that you are weak or that everyone is dangerous.
Counter argument and the limits of personal precautions
A strong counter-argument is that concentrating on personal behavior can exaggerate individual control and shift attention away from perpetrators. People must work in difficult settings, travel after dark, interact with the public, and sometimes remain connected to unsafe individuals because their options are limited. Victims should not have to prove perfect judgment to receive help.
Another objection is that avoiding confrontation can become a demand for silence. People have a right to refuse unwanted contact, report misconduct, express disagreement, and participate in public life. A person’s reasonable boundary may anger an aggressor; that does not make the boundary wrong.
Those objections are valid. Personal precautions should be treated as optional tools for improving safety, not moral tests or substitutes for accountability. Institutions also have responsibilities: responding to threats, providing safe reporting routes, and protecting people from repeated harassment. The broader prevention perspective matters because violence is shaped by conditions beyond any one person’s choices. [1]
The balanced position is to preserve both agency and dignity.
- Change avoidable habits when doing so helps you.
- Seek assistance when the threat exceeds what you can manage.
- Hold the person committing violence responsible.
- You can choose restraint without surrendering your right to respect and safety.
Bibliography
Sources were consulted on October 1, 2026. Bracketed numbers identify the supporting references. Everyday examples and the decision check are illustrative practical applications, not claims that research has measured the risk of each behavior.
[1] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About Violence Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/violence-prevention/about/index.html
[2] Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency. De-escalation Action Guide and De-escalation Products and Resources. https://www.cisa.gov/resources-tools/resources/de-escalation-action-guide and https://www.cisa.gov/topics/physical-security/conflict-prevention/de-escalation-products-and-resources
[3] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Risk and Protective Factors for Intimate Partner Violence. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/risk-factors/index.html
[4] National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Speeding and Aggressive Driving Prevention. https://www.nhtsa.gov/risky-driving/speeding
[5] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About Intimate Partner Violence. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/index.html
[6] National Domestic Violence Hotline. Create Your Personal Safety Plan. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/
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