Conflict Communications

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Conflict is what martial disciplines, like karate, are all about. People are beginning to understand that, karate for example, although seem to be about the physical violence in conflict are actually not the “rest of the story.” When it comes to conflict there are gradients, so to speak. 

Lets face it people love the physical parts of martial disciplines and it is that activity that is most fun and most easily seen as progressive toward the path of goals and objectives people seek, people need and people are driven toward. It satisfies a certan innate need of our species. 

Now, this piece on conflict and communications is not the same as seen or perceived as taught by professionals like Rory Miller and Marc MacYoung. At least not directly but there is a bit of crossover. 

People need to recognize that conflict, not the movie media perceptions, is a natural, normal, and healthy component of human relationships. We express our needs through conflict and when we do it right, we actually grow, improve and evolve as people and a species but both sides need to have clarity and appropriate communications skills. Call the skills conflict coping skill, if you will.

When two or more people come together there will be differences so those people will express struggles of understanding one another when goals are different along with the levels of needed resources are involved result in conflict. More often than not these types of things can be resolved verbally. The story I am telling will express how that is done, as example and in a simplistic atomistic way, such as by a spoken word or phrase or by some form of body language such as the tone of voice or the look given. 

Conflict is particular to relationships where people, as evolution of survive tend to dictate, are interdependent, like family or close friends or some form of group dynamic like today’s collective of co-coworkers. 

Conflict exists, always has and always will because our very nature often involves goals that may not be compatible with other persons goals. Incompatible goals are those where parties involved cannot agree and are not satisfied so conflict is used to come to some sort of agreeable agreement. 

Note: I am being deliberately atomistically simplistic in my paper because that is best in coming to some understanding of the complex complications that are human communications through conflict and sometimes even violence. 

I often write about the fundamental need toward survival and although not a conscious perspective our survival depends on two very basic concepts. We can only survive in this world if we have processes that attain the resources necessary for that survival. In a nutshell, “Process + Resources = Survival.” When resources are scarce, even if we perceive them as such, we often have a conflict with others that may have what we require. If we have all we need, not conflict is necessary but if we don’t then conflict is required and that means all the way up the spectrum to actual violence. 

Today, the resources necessary to survival are space, power, time and money. If we have what is needed all is well in the world but if not, then conflict is necessary. That brings me down a step to discuss, in general, the concept of conflict. 

Note: “Conflict includes interference. Even when people disagree and have opposing goals you can only have genuine conflict when one party or the other acts in ways that prevent the other from achieving their survival goals.”

Characteristics of Conflict (some):

• It can be direct or indirect, harmful or beneficial. 
• Most conflict is dealt with today through verbal expression and exchange. 
• Indirect would be a passive-aggressive method like the expression of vengeful and/or hurtful behaviors. 
• Direct conflict can and does lead to emotional and possibly physical escalation increasing the seriousness of the conflict although it often leads to quicker resolutions. 
• The indirect is often easier and more comfortable, but also can leave things unresolved. 
• Conflict can result stress that leaves one to suffer both psychological and physical discomfort to actual harm. 
• Conflict does trigger the stress response having far reaching health ramifications. 
• Conflicts worse case scenario is when it leads to and escalates aggression and violence, beyond what is accepted as necessary to that which harms all parties and their efforts to survive. 

Common Sources of Conflict:

• Criticism, especially on a personal level. Constant criticism is especially harmful. 
• Complaints, when it is based and aimed at characteristics of the individual or to that individuals behavior. 
• Money, when finances cause fights as one of the major necessary and needed resources of survival. 
• Criticality, disgust, and scorn are expressed about the individual personally or about the things they do, like chores, are especially harmful. 
• Power struggles cause conflict such as in decision making that effect resources and the processes to gain them; the power in the relationship; and how that power is exercised. 

Power, in general and on an interpersonal level are huge in cause and effect of conflict. There are five basic forms of power, i.e., reward, coercive, referent, legitimate, and expert. 

1. Reward power is the ability to offer rewards to the other person. 
2. Coercive power is the opposite of reward power, and is punitive. 
3. Referent power is the power you have over someone because they like you and want to please you.
4. Legitimate power is instilled by position. 
5. Expert power, is the power people have when they are an expert in a particular area. 

Escalation to aggression and on to violence tend to depend on how we behave and articulate/communicate with the opposing side. How we make others feel is big on escalation or deescalation. Whether we believe it or not; whether we accept it or not; whether we make it matter or not does effect conflict. I write about emotional maturity because through emotions, ours and theirs, as they effect and trigger actions in us will effect conflict regardless of other excuses and explanations. 

Four Horseman of Relational Distress:

1. Criticism is offering complaints about each other and assigning blame.
2. Contempt (name-calling, sarcasm, mockery; hostile nonverbal behaviors) is the expression of insults and attacks on another's self-worth.
3. Defensiveness says you see yourself as a victim and deny responsibility for your behaviors.
4. Stonewalling (people tend to stonewall when they feel incapable of engaging in the conversation any longer. ) is simply shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation or interaction.

In our efforts to learn and apply self-protection that is and always will be about survival is critical to understanding and achieving those goals. We have to learn how to manage conflict, first and foremost the conflicts within ourselves because if we cannot resolve our own processes then how can we manage and effect those of others who may or may not be that aware? 

Some basics, to get you started in your research, toward managing conflict:

• Avoidance, not what you expect but a part of that trait, is to ignore or fail to deal with conflicts you face. When you do this you cause emotional turmoil in the other person(s) because what you are doing suggests low concern for self and others, conflict cannot be resolved here.
• Accommodating, you express a higher concern for others involved but lower concern for self. You just give in and that has adverse effects on the one giving in, works short term but resentment sets in over time.
• Compromising is taking all parties to a high degree of self-concern for needs and desires. It is a win-win type thing, where everyone gives or takes a little something to come to a consensus benefiting all. It takes time, patience and active listening all the way around. 
• Competing is a higher degree of concern for self, but low for others. This person wants it their way regardless of the needs and wants of the other parties involved. 
• Collaborating is high concern for everyone. It’s a win-win for all sides but the strategies take a lot of time and creativity while often leading to satisfactory and satisfying results. 

Conflict, when it is done well is a very positive outcome but when one fails then it harms all parties involved. It is something that gets glossed over in the more critical self-protection through martial disciplines simply because what is taught, mostly, now is more of a competitive self-soothing and gratification oriented practice. It is about losing the balance, the yin-yang, and letting one side of self take precedence over the needs of the many. 

My goal here is to inspire people to think, contemplate and consider the far-reaching benefits and needs of solid effective and efficient communications that take conflicts for a human condition that is here to stay and to learn the coping skills of communications to achieve goals such as avoidance altogether when possible; to escape and evade escalation to aggression and violence; or to deescalate the emotional monkey who will gladly lead all concerned parties into battle rather than to achieve a win-win non-aggressive and non-violent conditions. 

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