Truth and Consequences

It was said to me that a particular statement directed to me was the "truth." I got and get the impression the person feels that the truth is always necessary in all situations, I disagree. I tend to try, notice I said try, to speak the truth when it meets the following three criteria: one, is it kind? two, is it true? and three, is it necessary?

I once asked this person if they thought what they said was kind, true and necessary and the response was an emphatic "yes." I disagree and here is why.

First, this person was assuming that the statement was kind, true and necessary - to them. They fail and failed to project those questions as if they were the other person. Miller's law states one should assume what is said is true and try to find out what it is true of and in this case are the words/statements kind - to me, true - to me and necessary, to me?

First, the statements that are true/truth are not always kind. In most societies it is acceptable to sometimes not speak truth. I don't mean lie but rather not say anything at all. Sometimes it is more kind and necessary to say nothing rather than put out the truth because you feel it necessary even if not kind or true, for the other person.

Our thoughts are ours and our truth is ours and that truth may not be the thoughts or truth of another human being. It does not mean one is lying on either end but rather one person is "different" than another. Often the misunderstandings that occur are not due to truth but rather the perception of truth for that individual according to their culture and beliefs.

When speaking to others it is best sometimes, actually all the time, to take a moment of silence, interval, void to consider what it is your saying and how it applies to the other person, It is kind, for them? Even if there is a slight chance it is often wise to not say it. How it applies to the other person, is it true? Sometimes what is true is also a kindness but that can be difficult to determine so go cautious here and go to the third question that applies to the other person, is it necessary? If there is a shadow of doubt to the first, second or both first and second then the third is the critical question. In my recent experiences utilizing this mode of communication I find most times it is NOT NECESSARY to make the statement to the other person.

The caveat here is if the other person is "seeking your advice." When this occurs it is often best to circumvent the knee jerk answers you might give and instead simply "reflect what the other person is saying" to achieve a greater understanding of what is in their mind. This techniques often results in a better connection, your listening not judging, and the other person most often discovers the answer for themselves. If this sounds familiar good.

Truth is truth and is not contestable. Truth is taken and given individually. How it is taken or accepted is sometimes the line that is crossed into conflict. Most conflict, I can say on my end all of my conflict comes by words first, come from a lack of empathy and reflective/active listening. Often the best tactic to avoidance is to control the words that come from your mouth.

The Japanese often, mostly, use ma to achieve a void that is almost always pregnant with meaning in their culture to actually achieve a greater understanding before they speak, if at all, and before they act, smart way. We cannot achieve their cultural system but we can learn to "stop-listen reflectively-implement millers law-speak only those words that are kind, true and necessary if at all. Silence is the tactic of great karate-ka in a potential conflict. To remain silent takes a great deal of discipline. To reflectively listen to another who is being driven by the monkey brain also takes great discipline. All of this is to avoid physical interactions that result in damage of all kinds and at all levels.

Truth is not always kind or necessary even if true, for you.

Postscript: the person I used here said something unkind and unnecessary. It also was not true, for me. I felt it was a projection to manipulate in order to get something they wanted. I was immediately reminded of a conversation at a previous time where this same person wanted to tell a friend some truth but said it would be unkind to do so and would irreparably damage the friendship. I was ready to speak this truth to this person but in a similar sense it was true and I felt necessary but it was not kind at all and would have hurt very much so I went the different path and remained silent. I believe if I had gone forward it would have achieved the result I wanted and I would have hurt them unnecessarily which would have driven a barrier between our relations and that is not necessary at all. It is such a difficult thing, the most difficult and yet we don't have training for it, too bad.