Helplessness

Rory Miller wrote, "One of the most devastating aspect of being a victim, especially for men, isn't the injury or the defeat. It is that in the final moments the victim is utterly helpless." He also wrote, "Victim status also makes a convenient excuse."

I can say to you, "Don't fall for either of these," but what does that actually mean to each individual at any one moment?

We have all felt helpless at times in our lives. A loved one is suffering from a deadly disease and you want to help them so bad but you can do nothing. You see someone or something suffer like a child, yours maybe, after an accident while you try to comfort them but it doesn't alleviate the suffering, the pain and the after affects.

I have not experienced "helplessness." I don't know why but I have not felt it. Not true helplessness - a loss of control maybe and maybe that is a form of helplessness but I suspect it doesn't really meet the criteria for true helplessness like I described above.

I have been a victim and I didn't feel helplessness and I never used it as an excuse to do things that are morally wrong, inappropriate or mean. I also did not allow it to affect me long term - maybe I am just lucky as hell to have lived fifty-seven/eight years and not experienced it, truly experienced it.

I want to understand so when I post, write or comment I can be more empathetic but influential in avoiding the pitfalls. My first step is to try and understand how it fits into self-defense and self-defense training.

Helplessness is the perception that one was unable to act in a situation. In SD that means witnessing a violent situation and finding yourself frozen and unable to properly intervene. In the average person this is not as "intense" as it is for martial artists who have trained to be the "warrior" if you will allow me that term.

You may train and tell yourself the story that what your doing is adequate to "act" when the time arises that you, your family or your fellow persons are subjected to some violence be it a predator or some natural incident. You freeze and fail to act when you "think" your training should have allowed you to do "something." When you feel unable to influence what is happening in your own life, even though you feel you ought to be able to. This also goes for that feeling of inability to influence what is happening by word or deed in events occurring to others when your training says you ought to be able to act appropriately.

I guess it comes down to an understanding of what is normal human behavior and what is also the survival instincts that nature provided via DNA that is still with us long after the migration from jungle life to modern life.

I can only provide an example of my friend and Sensei who at the age of 70 something began to suffer and really didn't understand why - a Viet Nam combat veteran. When I recommended the books "On Combat" and "On Killing" by LtCol Dave Grossman did a light come on in his head and he finally understood, "It isn't his fault and there is nothing he could do and IT IS OK!" He wrote me back and let me know he was doing well now, he understood the truth of combat and killing and he was comfortable with what he did and did not do those many years ago.

I believe as to helplessness the martial artists must address it face on to understand what is normal and what people do that is normal and what people will feel that is normal and allow themselves to be ok with it and how it relates to what they are doing, what is happening and what they feel. I think Rory Miller said it best that regardless of the how, your alive - you survived and that is good.

Again, I am not experienced in this but my feelings about things in life can sometimes cause me pause. I try to understand or find out normalcy and allow myself a lot of slack. I understand one thing, "I am (or can be) my own worst enemy." I can not allow my personal self-enemy entity within to be my judge, jury and executioner - I won't allow it and neither should any of the others of the human race.